Remain an integral part of your kids' lives during and after divorce More and more, divorced fathers are finding out that, rather than being one half of a "broken" home, they can continue to play a crucial role in their children's lives. You can, too. Turn to Always Dad and discover how to work with your ex to create a fulfilling extended family, one that can help ensure that your kids grow up in an enriching, loving environment. Whether you're in the initial stages of divorce, dealing with the immediate aftermath or well past one, this book will provide down-to-earth ideas and strategies you can use right now. Paul Mandelstein understands what you're experiencing. As a divorced father of three, he founded the Father Resource Network to help dads remain involved in their children’s lives. With Always Dad, he distills his many years of working with divorced fathers into one powerful volume. Get back on track, develop fulfilling relationships, experience personal growth and -- most importantly -- be the father that your kid needs. Always Dad will help you at every step.

Divorce is one of the loneliest of modern rituals. -- Suzanne Gordon Tim and Gina met while they were both on vacation in Southern California. Tim had just received a dream promotion at his first serious job. Now manager of the marketing department at Quantum, he was riding high and confident of his future. Gina, however, was just coming out of a painful breakup with the young man she'd been dating for two years and was feeling like many things were up in the air for her. Gina certainly wasn't looking for a new relationship. She welcomed Tim's company but made it clear that she was only interested in having someone to pal around with. Tim said okay, though he was absolutely certain he'd found the love of his life. He'd take his time and give her whatever space she needed. He believed that if he was patient and played his cards right, everything would work out. Tim's caring attention was exactly what Gina needed to help her through this difficult time. And after several months of telephone conversations across the miles -- she lived in Tucson, he in Seattle -- they agreed to meet in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend. Gina was ready to give love another chance. The weekend in San Francisco couldn't have been more perfect. Six months later they were making wedding plans. Gina wanted a traditional church wedding, which was fine with Tim as long as they could have a large reception at a place near the ocean, with all their friends celebrating with them. This was one marriage, they told their friends, that would last forever. In fact, it lasted for nine and a half years, long enough for Alexia and Ben to be born. Neither Gina nor Tim could remember when the arguments actually started. They were over small things at first, but soon even the small disagreements were turning into major fights. They kissed and made up time after time. It seemed that no matter what one of them suggested to the other, it was steel on flint. Sparks flew, whether the discussion was what to fix for dinner, what to plant in the garden, where to spend their vacation, or how best to discipline the kids. The loving intimacy they'd shared eroded with each argument. Finally they were sleeping in different rooms, and Tim sought every opportunity for out-of-town business trips. Gina noticed she was relieved and more relaxed when Tim was out of town and she avoided intimate contact when he was home. Tim and Gina both felt very alone in their marriage, and were de-pressed and anxious over the loss of the mutual support they'd once experienced. It was nearly impossible for either of them to accept the fact that something that started so beautifully had come to this. The children, now five and seven, were beginning to show the effects of the constant tension between their parents. In family counseling, Gina and Tim struggled through the challenges of their own conflicts. In the beginning, they pledged to stay together and resolve their differences. Somehow, they'd make the marriage work. Above all, they both understood the negative impact their separation would have on the kids, and they wanted to avoid this at all costs -- well, nearly all costs. It all came to a head at Alexia's soccer game, when Tim and Gina started arguing in front of the kids and other parents. Deeply humiliated by their own behavior, and aware of how they'd also humiliated their children, they apologized to the people around them and made their way home. Although they were still furious with each other, they made a pact that evening never again to air their conflicts in public. And they would try their best not to argue in front of the kids.

 

Remain an integral part of your kids' lives during and after divorce More and more, divorced fathers are finding out that, rather than being one half of a "broken" home, they can continue to play a crucial role in their children's lives.

Introduction - Lemons into Lemonade A Chance for Growth Getting Started It's All About the Kids Chapter One - Breaking Up Is Hard to Do One Last Try Honoring the Bonds of Our Children Taking Care of Yourself Who Moves Out? Leave the Lawyer Stuff for Later if You Can Money, Money, Money, Money Hang In There Chapter Two - Creating Your New Home Making a Home Location, Location, Location Make Room for the Kids What's Cookin'? Excuse Me! Do I Look Like a Taxi? Remember You're Human Taking Stock Chapter Three - Daily Life as a Single Dad A Typical Day On Less-Than-Ideal Days Managing the Details Caring for Your Kids Baby Sitters and After-School Care Homework, TV, Games, & Leisure "Right Speech" and Staying Focused on the Future Chapter Four - The Noncustodial Dance Dealing with the Changes Some Things Don't Change Staying Connected Different Voices, Different Homes Establishing Your House Rules Getting Flexible at Work Show Up When You Say You Will Presence, Not Presents Chapter Five - Ex-Communications: 10 Ways to Make Talking to Your Ex Easier 1. Be Nice 2. Spare the Kids 3. Get Help 4. Take 24 5. Create Clear Boundaries 6. Don't Try to Change Her 7. Find Ways to Agree 8. Listen to Your Ex-Spouse without Defending Yourself 9. Let Your Ex Have Her Way While Not Giving Up Yours 10. Ask for What You Want 11. Bonus Advice: Ground Rules for Face-to-Face Meetings Chapter Six - Settling Up: Legal and Custody Issues The High Cost of Conflict The Basics of the Legal Divorce Dividing the Pie: Spousal Support and Property Division How to Choose an Attorney Making a Paper Trail When You Have to Fight Assume the Impossible Is Possible Don't Underestimate Your Stress Opportunities for Personal Growth Chapter Seven - Let's Get Real About the Kids Becoming the Parent You Want to Be Keeping Your Kids Out of the Fray Setting Limits Watching for Signs of Stress in Your Kids Our Teenagers, Ourselves Chapter Eight - Keeping Yourself Together Recognizing and Managing Stress 10 Not-So-Hard-and-Fast Rules for Managing Stress Recognizing and Managing Depression Choosing Your Problems Letting Go of Your Problems Don't Go It Alone Chapter Nine - Birthdays and Holidays Happy Birthday for All Have a Happy Holiday 10 Tips for Keeping Birthdays and Holidays Sane and Happy Chapter Ten - Kids, Friends, Dating, and Lovers The Dating Game: Ready or Not? Back in the Game Dating and Your Ex Introducing Your New Love to the Kids You're the Boss of You When Your Ex Starts Dating Chapter Eleven - Taking a Chance on Love Again: Remarriage and Blending Families Parenting in a Blended Family Make Space for Mourning, and Change Will Happen New Family, New Rituals Dealing with Your Ex About Your Marriage-and Hers Do We Really Have to Talk About This? Nurturing Your Relationship Nurturing Your Extended Family Appendix - Divorce and Fathering Resources Index

"Even when you can't save your marriage, Paul Mandelstein shows ways you can save your family and your self-esteem."

 

Paul Mandelstein created the nonprofit Father Resource Network (www.father.com) in 1999 to help divorced fathers remain involved in their children’s lives. A divorced father of three, he serves as chairman and executive director of the network and helps facilitate workshops and lectures focused on fatherhood in the 21st century.

 

Always Dad by Paul Mandelstein
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